Consulting the Supreme Bakra…
The Ceremonial Constitution
دستورِ دربار
Twenty-four Articles, each adopted in response to a specific incident the Darbar prefers not to revisit in detail. Article 024 permits amendment, provided a committee reaches a decision. None has.
Adopted by the founding committee, reviewed by a second committee, and ratified by a third which has not yet reported. In force since Year 2 and, by operation of its own final clause, perfect.
A work of satire · No Article here has any legal effect
All 24 Articles.
مہمان نوازی
Every visitor to the Darbar shall be offered tea, refreshments, and at least one unnecessary discussion concerning their future prospects.
Proviso · The discussion need not be accurate. It need only be delivered with conviction.
رخصتی
Visitors are always free to leave, at any time, without permission or explanation. The Hospitality Committee nevertheless reserves the ceremonial right to say "Ek chai aur?" up to seventeen times.
Proviso · On the eighteenth, the Committee must step aside and wave politely. This limit is absolute.
تصدیقِ بکرا
Every imaginary goat submitted as Nazarana shall pass a fictional visual inspection conducted by the Chief Bakra Verification Officer, or by whoever is nearest when he is abroad.
Proviso · Inspection consists of looking, followed by nodding. No goat has ever failed.
تنازعاتِ گدی
All major Gaddi disputes shall be resolved through a best-of-three Ludo championship, presided over by the Supreme Ludo Arbitration Commissioner.
Proviso · Minor disputes are resolved by seniority. Seniority is itself a major dispute.
مالیاتی شفافیت
Any person enquiring after the fictional accounts shall be immediately appointed Chief Auditor of the Missing Files Department, with full honours and no files.
Proviso · The appointment is permanent and may not be declined, resigned from, or discussed.
تشکیلِ کمیٹی
Every unresolved problem must be referred to a new committee. Every new committee shall, within one sitting, identify at least one further unresolved problem.
Proviso · This Article is self-sustaining and has never required amendment.
سکہ رائج الدربار
The official imaginary currency of the Darbar is the 489 Coin, backed by absolutely nothing except ceremonial optimism.
Proviso · The exchange rate is fixed at one 489 Coin to one 489 Coin, and has held firm since inception.
ترقیِ گدی
Promotion may depend upon seniority, reputation, quality of chai service, or unexplained blessings. The weighting of these factors is reviewed annually and never published.
Proviso · A candidate who asks about the weighting is thereby re-weighted.
ذخیرہِ مسند
The Darbar shall at all times maintain a strategic reserve of ceremonial cushions sufficient for one more person than is expected.
Proviso · This reserve has been depleted continuously since Year 3. A committee is aware.
طرزِ خطاب
A Gaddi holder shall be addressed by their full honorary title on first mention, and as "Sarkar" thereafter. Persons uncertain of a title should say "Sarkar" immediately and with confidence.
Proviso · Confidence is accepted as a substitute for accuracy in all ceremonial settings.
گیارہواں بکرا
Where a Nazarana of ten goats is pledged, eleven shall be recorded. The eleventh is ceremonial, has never been located, and is not to be searched for.
Proviso · An Emergency Meeting on this matter was called in Year 5 and has not formally concluded.
امورِ زیرِ بحث
No meeting may conclude while any matter is arising. Matters shall be deemed to arise continuously unless a Minister declares otherwise in writing.
Proviso · No Minister has ever declared otherwise in writing. Several have gestured.
آہِ رسمی
A sigh issued by a holder of Gaddi-e-Khaas or above shall be entered in the minutes as a substantive contribution and carries the weight of a formal objection.
Proviso · Sighs from holders of Gaddi-e-Aam are recorded under "Any Other Business".
وقت کی پابندی
All Darbar functions begin at the stated hour. Attendance before the stated hour is regarded as eager, and after it as senior.
Proviso · Sarkar-e-489 is exempt from this Article, having transcended the stated hour entirely.
تیاریِ بریانی
The Department of Emergency Biryani shall maintain standing readiness at all times, deployable within one hour of a ceremonial requirement being declared.
Proviso · A ceremonial requirement may be declared by anybody who is hungry and sufficiently senior.
فیصلہ بلا وضاحت
A holder of Gaddi-e-Azam may conclude any matter by announcing "Faisla ho chuka hai". No reasoning shall be requested, offered, recorded or inferred.
Proviso · The decision takes effect immediately and may be reversed by the same words.
رجسٹرِ بکرا
The Great Register of Goats shall be maintained in two columns, representing the two official headcounts. Both columns are correct.
Proviso · Where the columns disagree, the larger is used for ceremonies and the smaller for audits.
صندوقِ تجاویز
A Suggestion Box shall be maintained at the outer gate. Its contents shall be reviewed every 489 years by a committee constituted for the purpose.
Proviso · The first review is scheduled. The committee has not yet been formed, but there is time.
ورثہِ تقدم
Precedence may be inherited, conferred, assumed, or acquired through prolonged presence in a corridor near the main hall.
Proviso · The corridor route is not officially recognised but has produced four Ministers.
رسمی مراسلت
All correspondence to the Darbar shall be acknowledged. Acknowledgement is distinct from reading, which is distinct from reply, which is not provided for in this Constitution.
Proviso · Correspondence marked "Urgent" is placed in a separate, equally untouched pile.
سالانہ آڈٹ
An annual audit shall be conducted of all ceremonial holdings. The audit shall be comprehensive, independent, and scheduled for a date to be confirmed.
Proviso · Four auditors have been appointed since Year 2. Three were promoted. One is still looking.
مہمان مویشی
Visitors may bring accompanying imaginary goats, which shall be received with the same courtesy extended to their owners, and in some recorded cases rather more.
Proviso · Goats are not required to sign the visitors' book but are welcome to make the attempt.
تنظیمِ نو
Any department may be restructured at ceremonial discretion, save the Bureau of Pending Files, which is permanent, necessary, and quietly feared.
Proviso · Three restructurings have been proposed. All three files are with the Bureau.
ترمیمِ دستور
This Constitution may be amended by unanimous resolution of a committee constituted for that purpose, provided the committee reaches a decision.
Proviso · No such committee has reached a decision. This Constitution is therefore considered perfect.